Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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