My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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