I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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