my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just had sex on a roof
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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