You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
