i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm at about main and main street
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
