Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
