I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
