So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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