spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
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