I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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