did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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