I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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