walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
