Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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