for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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