I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
