What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
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When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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