I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
