also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Randomize
