PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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