The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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