dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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