I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
