matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
