Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
