I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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