I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
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