But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
