tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
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She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
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I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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