It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
