this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
