i don't plan on having that self control this summer
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
