Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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