Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
