May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
How does one acquire holy water?
Randomize
