oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
