I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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