Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
