No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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