Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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