***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
