you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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