if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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