Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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