I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize