This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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