omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
