so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
