Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
