Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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