I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
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Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
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They have beer where we have blood.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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