my phone needs a breathalizer
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
