I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
