why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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