I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
one might say we're banned from that church
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
