My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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