I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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