your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
