I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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