The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
