he shaved USA in his pubs
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
